This year has been both the happiest and worst year of my life.
It didn't really hit me until a few days ago when my fiance decided to end it. Not just end the engagement, but to break us up. It happened almost exactly six months after we got engaged back in June. This was not that long after my family suddenly lost one of our sweet kitties to cancer. We have not shared this news with anyone except our respective close family, but I do feel kind of bad that no one else who has been so happy for us knows yet. After I let my grandmother (who is down in Florida for the holidays) know, I was planning on making it Facebook official to keep people from being in the dark for too long... but apparently, his mom thinks we should wait until after Christmas. So I'm kind of stuck and needed a quick place to just write it out while I grieve.
He says that it is all on him. He says that he is afraid that he doesn't love me enough because he hasn't felt the "butterflies" for a while. He has told me since day one that our love is different and that he loves that about us. He says he doesn't want to hurt me later on by "not caring," and perhaps doing something that he isn't even sure of. So he wants to take this time to figure himself out. He is very used to handling his problems on his own, and I feel like a lot has happened in a short period and this all he think of to do right now.
I've told him many things that I have thought have brought him to do this so suddenly: depression and a fear of disappointing others. He has had a lot of awful things happen to him over the years, starting with his father's sudden death 13 years ago. I don't think he ever dealt with that properly, as he has always taken care of his mom through that period, leading him to always take care of other people before himself. Then she encouraged him to start thinking about proposing to me ever since we started dating; she even took him to the ring store to start the process 2 years ago. He didn't even care for the final product, but everyone else told him I would love it so he went with it. He told me that after we got engaged. I didn't think twice about it, but once he started to push me away and I was feeling the pressure myself from his family about having kids next... I have a feeling that was part of it. He isn't ready for it and it wasn't on his terms: something I told him from the beginning was how I wanted things to be. And I made sure to reinforce that when this came up.
He takes total blame for it, and I feel awful hearing that even though it is true. He tells me that I did nothing wrong and that I have been amazing to him since the beginning. It's why he doesn't want to hurt me later. We're best friends, and even though I am hurting so much right now I have given into this losing battle I was fighting. Not completely giving in because that's impossible right now, but enough to start grieving. I love him so much, which is why I have to stop fighting. If this is what HE wants to do, I am going to let him do what he thinks he needs; I have always said I would never hold him back from what he wanted. I told him how it makes me feel, and he is sorry for it. I even told him how I blame his mother a bit more this. I think he didn't want to disappoint her by not being ready just yet, so this was the next best thing to do. She has put pressure on him thinking that she is doing it for him just as much as she is doing it for herself. He didn't disagree with that. Or anything I had to say for that matter.
I can't do anything right now. I have to take care of me, which is the hardest part. Even though I don't think he believes it, he took so much more care of me than I think I ever did for him. I have lost a major support system I didn't think I would be missing, especially during the hardest part of my internship. I gave him the Christmas gift I had gotten him because it had just gotten there when he left to stay with his parents for a few days. He said that I will be getting mine when it comes, an updated version of one of my school books, because he wants me to continue and achieve my dream.
So far, this feels like one of the hardest things I have had to deal with. It is a bit better now that we have made it official between us, but still tough. I miss him a lot, and the four kitties we got together. I have made a slow process of getting my stuff, and he isn't rushing me to go. The even harder part will be sucking it up to go back to work and to life where the questions about the wedding and even the truth will start to come. But for some reason, the fact that we can be amicable with one another is helpful and yet not. It's not the same, and it most likely will never be. We may still be able to be friends, but who knows. Who knows what the future will hold.
I am angry at him. I feel a sadness that fills my empty stomach, and my eyes water when I'm out in public. Above all, I do not hate him for doing this to me. I can't. Not yet. I think he is dealing with enough, suffering from something that he can't describe and has nothing to do with us. There is still that hope that he will get help and in the process of turning himself around, he'll realize that I am the one for him. I think that that feeling will be there for a bit, unfortunately, making it even harder for me to move on. But I have to. Even though I miss him and I feel like he's making a mistake. He needs to do his own thing, which I will admit I am proud that he is finally doing something for himself. And I really do want the very best for him. I want him to be happy.
So yeah. I had to dump this somewhere. I hope this is the right place. And I hope this makes me feel a bit better.
Update: It's been at least 6 months. The gist of what I eventually found out happened was that he left me to be with someone else. Go figure.
